The Gundam Pilot's Tale
by vulgar shudder
Summary: The GW guys do a Canterbury Tale. Shonen-ai, various couples and implications, medieval vulgarity (I'm sorry), HUMOR.


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Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or it's characters, they're merely my playthings. And of course I don't own The Canterbury Tales.

Warnings: Yaoi, a couple of pairings implicated, AU, OOC.

Notes: Well, this is certainly an experiment. This story is a kind of GW rewrite of the 'The Miller's Tale' from The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer…please Mr Chaucer…don't haunt me. It's completely AU, completely OOC…but I can blame the sick bits on the original tale.

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The Gundam Pilot's Tale

There was a rich old heiress to the Canq kingdom, who took on lodger. The heir seemed to do nothing but paint her nails all day, or occasionally rearrange her teddy bear collection. 

The lodger seemed to be a lazy and poor bum with long hair, but he said to be a scholar of the arts, what he didn't tell people was that these arts involved a lot of snoozing, and eating ice-cream. Despite this, his fancy occasionally turned to reading the future from grease stains on the bottom of the pizza boxes and the way hot dog onions splattered on the floor. And under certain conditions, he could tell the likely hood of the VCR jamming up. If you asked a question nicely, he might answer it for you with a night on the black jack tables 'it's in the cards my good man' he'd always say.

This lad was known as Duo the Shinigami. And making love in secret was his talent, for it was the thrill of getting caught that turned him on. He was very close and sly, and took advantage of his meek and girlish look.

The room paid for to kip; he decked out with flowers and herbs, making it the most eligible bachelor pad in the kingdom. His 'How to count the cards' and 'The Kama Sutra- Extended Bondage Edition' lined his shelves above the bed. Next to there he had his guitar, which he played melodiously at night. He played Beetle's melodies, and people often blessed his merry throat.

And that's how this charming scholar spent his time and money, which his Arabian friend had sent.

This heiress had married a new husband, not long before and loved him more than pink candy. The boy was of 16 years of age. Jealous she was and kept him in a cage, for she was a dull hag and he wild and young. She should have known, to pick an equal for her husband.

He was a fair young husband, his body slender and supple. He used to wear a loose green tank top and spandex shorts. And a truly blissful sight to see he was than blossom on a cherry-tree. If you were to search and find a wise man, he would have imagined such a young boy. He was daisy, O a lolly pop, for any noble to take to bed.

One day this gallant Duo made a pass at this young man, for he was in the mood for play and the wife was out to visit her brother. Students are sly, and he grabbed the young husband's backside "Unless I have my wicked way with you, I will die of a secret love!"

The blue eyed boy pushed him away and said "Have a way with you Duo I say! No I won't screw you! Stop it or they'll be a gun to your head!"

But Duo started to plead his cause, and spoke so charmingly with a grin, that it wasn't long before the young husband had made a solemn promise to be at the artisan's disposal whenever the opportunity arose.

"But be warned, for my wife is full of jealousy, and one slip and I'll be eating those teddy bears for breakfast."

"Oh never fear" Duo said, "I think a scholar like myself can pull the wool over a dumb princess"

And so it was agreed, to watch their chance, when things were settled as they both saw chance. Duo had stroked the husband's loins a bit, kissed her sweetly and took down his guitar, and played a merry tune.

Later the young husband went away for the afternoon, to visit a friend and dine at a local Chinese restaurant. The colour to his face to make her mark, his forehead shone. There was a waiter, whose name was Wufei. His hair was black and sleek, pulled back tightly into a ponytail. All his clothes were neat. God bless my soul, he was a merry pschyo-pathic killer! He knew 30 ways to kill a man with his bare hands, but also how to brew tea to perfection. He played a Guzheng, did it proud. There was no bar or kareoke club he hadn't played his merry fray.

This Wufei, with his jolly ways, would cense the kingdom's talent. Especially the princess' husband. He would cast many a love lorn look before the young husband. Looking at him would make a happy life; he was so neat, so sweet, and so lecherous! And I dare say, if the husband had been a mouse, and Wufei a cat, the blue-eyed beauty would have been pounced upon.

In taking the bill, Wufei's heart was set in such a whirl of love. That evening after a tour of the local establishments, lucky and amorous he strode; he passed the Princess's abode. A little after the cock crow, he took his stand, below the window (it was set low on the cottage face), started singing softly with grace: "Now dearest gentleman, if thy pleasure be in the thoughts of love, think tenderly of me!" On his Guzheng he plucked a tuneful string.

The Canq princess awoke and turned to her husband "Heero! Husband! Do you hear him? There goes Wufei singing under our bedroom window!"

And the husband said "Yes Relena, I hear it all." If he thought any more on the matter it would have been difficult to tell.

So things went on. From day to day this jolly Wufei, would comb his black hair, trying to pass for gay. He tried to woe the husband by email, and even phone text message. He sent the finest sake and pickled plumbs. Once, wondering if his talent might sway, he played the lead part in a kabuki play. 

What was the good? For the dark hared beauty was in love with Duo! However Wufei tried as he might, all it earned was the husband's scorn, for he looked upon him as an ape, all his efforts turned into a joke.

For as much as Wufei tore at his hair, Duo stood in the light.

As it happened one Saturday, when the fairy princess was away visiting her brother again, Heero and Duo at last agreed what must be done. Duo was to use his wit, against the suspicious wife's foolish fits. If this trick worked, he'd be spending all night with Heero.

Young Duo couldn't wait; he scurried to his bedroom, with enough pizza and soda to last 2 days. He told Heero that if the heiress asked of his whereabouts, he was to say she hadn't seen him, and that he must be ill.

And so for the rest of the day, Duo stayed in his room, playing pokemon and 'pleasing' himself, till Sunday night. 

The foolish wife was lost in wonder, "Where is Duo? I can't help but think things must not be right. Run up." She told the serving lad "take a look to see what's happening."

The servant knocked, but there was no answer. He looked through a crack, and all he could see was Duo gaping on his back!

The serving boy rushed to tell his mistress. "Jesus fuck!" she cried, "I always knew he was gonna end up like this!"

She got the staff to put their shoulder to the door. It didn't take them very long, to heave it off it's hinges. Duo lay there, still as stone face blank to the day. 

The princess caught the scholar by the shoulders and shook him "Hey, master Duo!"

Just then the scholar gave a start, looked at Relena and started to cry "Good lord lady, I have just had a vision of great despair!" he lowered his voice "I must speak with you in private."

She sent away the servants, and went to hear Duo's plight. "My lady, I've had a vision of a horror to come. But Relena, my dear host, you must swear not to breath another syllable of what I'm to say."

The princess nodded and the scholar continued "next Monday come, a quarter through the night, a great rain will fall in torrents, causing flood to drown every man, woman and child in the kingdom, it is god's will and there is nothing to be done!"

The wife exclaimed "Oh what of my poor little Heero! Is he to drown?" And in her grief she nearly fell down.

"Alas" Duo said, "in my vision I was shown the way, to save us all three. You must go and find 3 rowing boats, and fill them with supplies to last a day. You must then hang them in the roof below the thatching. And also have an axe to cut the rope. When the rains fall, we can cut away and sail to saviour. But no one must know of our plans, or we will all perish and drown."

"Oh anything to stop my little Heero drowning" The wife said, "I will go and prepare at once!"

"God speed" The scholar said smiling, "your actions will let your husband live through this terrible tragedy." And ushered her to hurry with her tasks.

The silly princess began to quake, procuring 3 boats, and spending the next 2 days hauling them to the roof. With her own hands she tied them to the rafters, all to help their scheme. She dismissed the servants, and stayed in the roof, axe in hand, waiting for the vengeful flood. However after the days hard labour, she keeled over into a deep sleep.

Duo watched, his plan had been a success! He went down the ladder and with Heero softly downstairs to bed. And thus lay Heero and Duo, busy in solace and the quest for fun.

Wufei had heard that the Canq princess had not been seen for days, and concluded she was out of town. He spent the afternoon bathing, and dressing in his finest silk clothes. Merry he made his way to the house, ready to serenade his love. He should see Heero, and tell him my love longing.

He perched himself under the familiar window, although he was lucky to tell since there was hardly any light at that part of the house. He raised himself to the window and coughed, "Heero, honey-comb are you around? Sweet cinnamon my little pretty bird, sweetheart, wake up and say a little word! I sweat for your love where ever I go!"

"You go away" Heero answered, "you baka! Go home, or I'll aim my gun at you. I want to get some sleep!"

"Alas" Wufei said, "True love is always mocked. So kiss me, if you can't do more than that!"

"If I do will you go?"

"Yes my darling! I promise!" Wufei beamed.

"Wait, for I will put something on" Heero said, and in a hushed voice he said to Duo "be shush, and we shall laugh our death."

Wufei went down on his knees; "I'm indeed in heaven!"

"Be quick" Heero snapped, "for the neighbours are spies"

With the night pitch black, Heero stuck his backside out the window. And Wufei, so fortune framed the farce, put up his mouth and kissed the naked arse.

Alas, something was amiss Wufei thought. He knew quite well Heero had no beard, yet something rough and hairy had appeared. "What have I done!" He cried. And with a giggle, Heero pulled the window shut.

"A beard! A beard!" cried Duo, falling about the room in a fit of laughter. "What a joke!"

Wufei overheard what was said, bit on his lips and through a fit. "I'll pay you back for this!" Soon he was busy rubbing, scraping at his lips, with dust, with sand, with straw, and with cloth. He'd have his revenge on the two. Injustice! O why did I let myself be fooled?

The fiery heat of love had cooled, for he had kissed the husband's ass, and he didn't give a toss for tarts.

So with a rage, he called upon his friend Trowa, who also happened to be a blacksmith. When his friend answered the door, Wufei said "would if be ok to borrow the coulter in the chimney, I'll give you gold and sovereignty for such a favour." 

Trowa confused, but could not let down his friend. "But why do you want this?"

"I'll tell you another day."

Soon he was back under the window, as he had been before. Wufei knocked and said "My sweet little bird? Are you there? It's your devoted Wufei. I have a gold ring for you, which I will give in an exchange of a kiss."

Now Duo had risen for a piss, and though he could better the joke. With that he opened the window, and stuck his naked arse out, what a handsome piece of work.

Wufei ready set to launch, "speak little bird, I know not where you are!"

This Duo at once let fly a fart.

But Wufei with his hot iron, he hit the middle of the rump.

Duo flew up with the burning pain, he though he must be dying. He cried out in agony "Help! Water! Help for heaven's love!"

Relena the foolish princess awoke with the shouts of water sat up and said "This is it, it's the flood!" She heaved the axe forward and cut the ropes. Down came the boats, and down came everything.

Heero and Duo started shouting "Help!" and "Murder!" in the streets. For there lay the fainted princess, her arm had broken into two. But when she woke, she was borne down by the kingdom, for Heero and Duo had said she must be mad, for she had been rambling nonsense about floods and had tied 3 boats to the house's roof.

All started laughing at the lunacy. All came to laugh and joke. No matter what the heiress said, no one was converted. She was held mad for the entire kingdom. Students saying, "The bitch is crazy!"

And so the princess' husband was truly poked.

As if her jealousy to justify.

And Wufei had kissed his nether eye.

And Duo is branded on the bum.

And gods bring us all to kingdom come.

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Fini

Additional Author's Notes:

FT: Well if you've read it to here, please review, is it actually funny or have I desecrated one of the greatest pieces of English literature? O.o;

Duo: Forget about that, look what you done to me!

FT: …Blame Chaucer.


End file.
